Hope you have a Merry Christmas. Here are a bunch of jokes that I wrote this year that we don't really use in the act, but I think are really funny. A lot of them were on Outlaw Comedy's fan page (I write on there). If you aren't friends with them check it out. They put on college shows.
If you like a joke, feel free to post it on your status or Twitter and put (DaveAndBrian.com) next to it. That'd kind of be like a gift to us. Free promotion. Without further ado. Jokes:
-Pinata's at my birthday parties were always a little different, because my Dad was a taxidermist.
-I had a dream that the Polar Ice Caps totally melt, just as we discover they were the main cause of Acne. Not only do we lose Rhode Island due to flooding, but we also lose the need for ProActive.
-The guy who invented the pickle is awesome. He looked at the cucumber and said, "We can do better then this!"
-The pen is mightier then the sword, unless the sword is dipped in ink. Sure it''s hard to kill someone with a pen, but it's probably equally as hard to write with a sword.
-The pen is mightier then the sword, unless the sword is dipped in ink. Sure it''s hard to kill someone with a pen, but it's probably equally as hard to write with a sword.
-My dad was a dermatologist, so he always told me that it's what's on the outside that counts.
-If Al-Qaeda had training grounds in South Dakota, would we ever know?
-I don't understand amateur cyclists wearing the full spandex outfit. You may say it's for comfort, but those of us who see it are uncomfortable. I like to play laser tag, but I don't dress like Luke Skywalker to do it.
-I dreamt of a world where we discovered the most environmentally friendly form of energy: Penguin Tears. Unfortunately it is found to be counterproductive because the only thing that makes penguins cry is the burning of fossil fuels.
-Kenny G can hold his breath for about 3 minutes. Just something you should know if you ever want to drown him.
-I'm afraid of commitment. For instance, I don't like ice, but I love really really cold water.
-A picture is worth 1000 words, unless it's a picture of 999 words.
-Without a hat, the man in the yellow hat on "Curious George," is just a man.
-I had a dream that there was no more disease, because everyone sneezed properly into their arms. Unfortunately, there was no more arm wrestling, for fear of spreading disease.
-I'm afraid of commitment. For instance, I don't like ice, but I love really really cold water.
-A picture is worth 1000 words, unless it's a picture of 999 words.
-Without a hat, the man in the yellow hat on "Curious George," is just a man.
-I had a dream that there was no more disease, because everyone sneezed properly into their arms. Unfortunately, there was no more arm wrestling, for fear of spreading disease.
-Nobody writes rock ballads like Bon Jovi used to. Not even Bon Jovi.
-I was very disappointed in "Ironman." When I 1st heard about it I was like, "Sweet! Finally, a superhero who fights anemia."
-I wish that Phil Collins, Michael Bolton, and Rod Stewart would get together and open the Soft Rock Cafe.
-My mom wanted me to study Engineering in college, but I never liked trains.
-My grandpa always called competitors in races, "racists." Either he didn't understand the meaning of the word, or he was watching some really weird races.
-I could never be a nudist. I like wearing socks too much.
-I see moms walking their kids around the mall on leashes. Yesterday I was in Petsmart and saw strollers for dogs. No joke there, just social commentary.
-I was very disappointed in "Ironman." When I 1st heard about it I was like, "Sweet! Finally, a superhero who fights anemia."
-I wish that Phil Collins, Michael Bolton, and Rod Stewart would get together and open the Soft Rock Cafe.
-My mom wanted me to study Engineering in college, but I never liked trains.
-My grandpa always called competitors in races, "racists." Either he didn't understand the meaning of the word, or he was watching some really weird races.
-I could never be a nudist. I like wearing socks too much.
-I see moms walking their kids around the mall on leashes. Yesterday I was in Petsmart and saw strollers for dogs. No joke there, just social commentary.
-I always wanted to be a horse. Then one day I broke my leg, and realized it might not be the best thing.
-Where can I go to see if "Consumer Reports" is the best magazine for what it does?
-What's worse: The guy who 1st used the phrase, "There's more then one way to skin a cat," was probably speaking from experience, or the fact that we choose to quote him?
-Anyone want to form a band called "Brass Tacks," so people can get down to us?
- I had a dream the Justin Bieber and Dakota Fanning marry. They then conceive a child who will be the closest thing to a superhuman that we will ever know.
-I learned valuable lessons from childhood games. For instance, you can smack ducks on the head all you want and they'll just sit there. Do it to a goose, and it will chase you.
- I have horrible office skills. I ironically fail at Excel.
-Some things aren't as fun as they sound. Like, "puppy mills."
-I'd love to be the artist who does those Rorschach tests, because you don't even need to know what your painting. "Hey, what you painting there?"
"You tell me."
-Dave
Haha! Love these!
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