Merry Christmas. I Got You Some Jokes.

Hey Everyone,

Hope you have a Merry Christmas. Here are a bunch of jokes that I wrote this year that we don't really use in the act, but I think are really funny. A lot of them were on Outlaw Comedy's fan page (I write on there). If you aren't friends with them check it out. They put on college shows.

If you like a joke, feel free to post it on your status or Twitter and put (DaveAndBrian.com) next to it. That'd kind of be like a gift to us. Free promotion. Without further ado. Jokes:

-Pinata's at my birthday parties were always a little different, because my Dad was a taxidermist.

-I had a dream that the Polar Ice Caps totally melt, just as we discover they were the main cause of Acne. Not only do we lose Rhode Island due to flooding, but we also lose the need for ProActive.

-The guy who invented the pickle is awesome. He looked at the cucumber and said, "We can do better then this!"

-The pen is mightier then the sword, unless the sword is dipped in ink. Sure it''s hard to kill someone with a pen, but it's probably equally as hard to write with a sword.

-My dad was a dermatologist, so he always told me that it's what's on the outside that counts.

-If Al-Qaeda had training grounds in South Dakota, would we ever know?

-I don't understand amateur cyclists wearing the full spandex outfit. You may say it's for comfort, but those of us who see it are uncomfortable. I like to play laser tag, but I don't dress like Luke Skywalker to do it.

-I dreamt of a world where we discovered the most environmentally friendly form of energy: Penguin Tears. Unfortunately it is found to be counterproductive because the only thing that makes penguins cry is the burning of fossil fuels.

-Kenny G can hold his breath for about 3 minutes. Just something you should know if you ever want to drown him.

-I'm afraid of commitment. For instance, I don't like ice, but I love really really cold water.

-A picture is worth 1000 words, unless it's a picture of 999 words.

-Without a hat, the man in the yellow hat on "Curious George," is just a man.

-I had a dream that there was no more disease, because everyone sneezed properly into their arms. Unfortunately, there was no more arm wrestling, for fear of spreading disease.

-Nobody writes rock ballads like Bon Jovi used to. Not even Bon Jovi.

-I was very disappointed in "Ironman." When I 1st heard about it I was like, "Sweet! Finally, a superhero who fights anemia."

-I wish that Phil Collins, Michael Bolton, and Rod Stewart would get together and open the Soft Rock Cafe.

-My mom wanted me to study Engineering in college, but I never liked trains.

-My grandpa always called competitors in races, "racists." Either he didn't understand the meaning of the word, or he was watching some really weird races.

-I could never be a nudist. I like wearing socks too much.

-I see moms walking their kids around the mall on leashes. Yesterday I was in Petsmart and saw strollers for dogs. No joke there, just social commentary.

-I always wanted to be a horse. Then one day I broke my leg, and realized it might not be the best thing.

-Where can I go to see if "Consumer Reports" is the best magazine for what it does?

-What's worse: The guy who 1st used the phrase, "There's more then one way to skin a cat," was probably speaking from experience, or the fact that we choose to quote him?

-Anyone want to form a band called "Brass Tacks," so people can get down to us?

- I had a dream the Justin Bieber and Dakota Fanning marry. They then conceive a child who will be the closest thing to a superhuman that we will ever know.

-I learned valuable lessons from childhood games. For instance, you can smack ducks on the head all you want and they'll just sit there. Do it to a goose, and it will chase you.

- I have horrible office skills. I ironically fail at Excel.

-Some things aren't as fun as they sound. Like, "puppy mills."

-I'd love to be the artist who does those Rorschach tests, because you don't even need to know what your painting. "Hey, what you painting there?"

"You tell me."

-Dave

Fantasy 2010

If you were to go back in time and tell my younger self that I'd be involved in a group of men who meet online to participate in a fantasy about football players, I hope you bring a good explanation and a picture of my wife, just to alleviate any paranoia I would harbor. I am addicted to Fantasy Football and have been playing for about 6 years now. I can admit it though, so I don't think it's a problem.

For those of you who don't know what Fantasy Football is, it's where you take real players and put them on a team. Their stats in real life add up to points for your fantasy team. Fantasy Football is a lot like Weight Watchers in that it's all in keeping track of the points.

I am in a league with my roommate from college and a bunch of other guys who have connections to Syracuse University. There are 16 teams in the league and after a 13 week regular season, I went undefeated. I just won the 1st playoff game last week, which now brings my record to 14-0. If I can win, and be totally undefeated, I will have to pop the cap on a bottle of Coke Zero and do so every year from here on out after the last undefeated team loses.

Some of you may be thinking, "Wow, Dave! You must've put a lot of effort into this. What do you win?" Well, if I win, I get a T-Shirt and the respect of 15 other guys who have connections to Syracuse University. If I lose, I live with the shame of going meaninglessly undefeated during the regular season without winning the big game. It'll be just another item to add to my list of things that make me feel like Tom Brady, right along with having stylish hair and a really hot wife.

Dave

China Buffet

China Buffet

1612 North Locust Ave.

Lawrenceburg, TN

So a few months ago, Brian and I drove from the Nashville Airport to northern Alabama for a show. We were pretty hungry and decided to get something to eat on the road. Unfortunately there aren't too many booming cities on that drive, but then we stumbled upon Lawrenceburg, TN. They had a few chains to choose from, but of course, our eyes and hearts were drawn towards a Chinese Buffet.

When we walked in we seemed to draw the attention of everyone in the restaurant. It was either our dashing good looks, our lack of NASCAR apparel, or the fact that our shirts had sleeves. Needless to say we stuck out.

The food was delightful, but there were a few other things that stuck out. For instance, they had a Mongolian Grill where you can put together your All Star Chinese food plate and they will fire it up for you. The difference with this one is there was a young latino man at the helm and the sauces you could add were all Tabasco and other hot sauces. No Teriyaki sauce, Duck sauce, or even spicy mustard packets. I'm all for equal opportunity, but as I look back I don't think there were any Chinese people working at this restaurant. I think one waitress might have been Russian, which technically makes her Asian I guess.

All and all, it was one of our more unique Chinese Buffet experiences. As always we recommend the General Tso's. While we were eating a girl at the table next to us struck up conversation with me. We were wondering if she was trying to distract us or something, but when we left we both had our wallets, except Brian was missing a lock of hair. I'm sure it was just coincidental though.

As we finish here, I'd like to point out that I haven't written in a while, but am looking to write more regularly. Probably less about Chinese Buffets, but my musings none the less. I notice that we have been getting a lot of comments posted in Chinese on our past blogs, and we appreciate the feedback. Someone asked if I think that it's some sort of Chinese Spamming. I hope not, because I got one of the posts tatooed on my lower back.

Dave